Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
