I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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