I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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