I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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