I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Randomize
