I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
as a side note pls kill me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
