I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
