Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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