seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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