Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
