Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
