dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
