I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
please don't ironically join a cult
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