i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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