I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
