I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
