so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
