My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
