god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
