your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
