She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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