yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
