two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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