We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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