So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
