we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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