the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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