I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
