We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
