dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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