The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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