I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
