hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
