You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
