There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
