I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
