is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
