evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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