He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
