I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
