I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
