I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
