why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk is a universal language darling
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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