someone threw a dead crab at me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
