I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
