shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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