Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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