Tell her she can't have a vagina
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
