Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
