he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
