The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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