Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
