i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I stole a fireplace last night.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
